My family has gone through one of the biggest changes we have ever been faced with, and for the most part, we are doing really well with it. The kids are young enough that they can rebound and make new friends quickly, and they will be starting school soon, so that will just add to the ease of the transition - routine is a God-send! My husband is in a great work environment, he is valued and doing what he loves, and building relationships daily. He has his moments where the weight and reality of what we have walked through hits him, but he is doing well. It also helps that he talks to his brother and best friend pretty much everyday.
Now to me. I have many ups and downs with this process. It seems that I have been stuck in a down pattern for a bit here, and I need to jolt myself out of it....I just don't know how to! I can see that we are blessed, that God's hand was directing our every step for almost a year before we began the transition process, that we are right where God wants us to be. I think that just makes the way I am feeling even harder to deal with.
I am sad. I am angry. I am lost. I think lost is the one that hits home the hardest, and it's hard to admit. I have always been "the girl with a plan", as my dad used to call me. I have always known what I want, and how to get from point A to point B to get it. I have always been driven, and stubborn, and a mover. I no longer know where I am going! I have dreams, ideas, visions for things I would like to see happen in my life....and no knowledge of how/where to start here. I have no network, no relationships to pull on, no life-lines. I feel isolated and alone.
Let me make something very clear here....before I go any further. I have been very warmly welcomed and received at my church. Everyone has been incredibly loving and helpful, and friendly. I don't want anyone to think I have been left to fend for myself....that is NOT the case here. There is just a stark difference from long-standing, intimate relationships that I have left behind, and developing new ones. I don't want to come across as ungrateful, because I am not....it's just this period of time between new and familiar that I am struggling in.
So, having said that, maybe you can see why I feel so down? I don't want to seem ungrateful or negative or annoying. I don't know how to insert myself into the lives of others....I am used to making room for new people in my circle, not being on the outside trying to fit in. I am truly blessed in this place that God has placed us, yet I am sad. How can this be? I want to enjoy my life, every second of it, because I'm not guaranteed a thing on this earth....and I and my family are healthy, and strong, and smart and successful....I don't want to squander that!
God is so faithful, and has provided us with so much more than I could have ever imagined. I don't want to say or do anything that will let Him down, I don't want to waste my life away while I try to figure out what His plan for me is.
I know that all of this takes time, and time is what I've got, but I want to enjoy every second of this life God has given me....and that's what I'm finding difficult.
So, thank you for taking the time to read the ramblings of a woman who is trying to keep it all together....and maybe not being so successful at that! As for me, I will continue to seek the Lord and meditate on His word, and draw my strength from Him....but I thank you for any prayers you want to send up on my behalf!
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. ~ Psalm 19:14