October 1, 2011

October Already??

Wow!! Where did September go? I was talking to my amazing husband last night, and realized I missed a whole month of my life! With my pain starting again at the end of August, and then working through it until my surgery on the 15th, to my recovery.....I missed September! Wow.  At least it's only one month out of so many in a lifetime....

Today was kind of a rough day for me. I was having all kinds of weird, intense dreams about my dad and my childhood best friend Jenn when I got awakened by my little Gidder. So, those feelings followed me throughout my day. I've just been in kind of a funk missing my family, and the easy, comfortable established relationships that we left behind when we moved to the deep south. These days are few and far between, and getting less as time goes on, but they still occasionally pop up every now and again, and I really don't like them!

I just want to say, I am so very happy with my life. I have an amazing family, am part of an incredible church and surrounded by some of the most loving people you could ever meet. I don't regret any of the decisions me and my MusicMan have made on this journey, but life is full of complex emotions. And not all of them are happy ones.

So, in spite of my sad emotions, I tried to be productive today. Why does it seem that the more I organize, the more I need to organize?? I thought chaos begat chaos, not the other way around. Anyway, in fairness to me still recovering from a major surgery, I got a decent amount accomplished, and thoroughly enjoyed the fall day we got here today! The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and everything felt fresh and new. I got to throw open the windows and enjoy the fresh air. My kitchen has my fall decor set out, and I am excitedly looking forward to Thanksgiving and visiting our family in SC! I thought we really needed it last year, but I really, really need it this year!

So, I guess there's a lot of rambling on here to say, I've had a bad day, but I am content with what I have. God has blessed me so much more beyond anything I could imagine, and I am so very thankful that I have Him first in my life. He is the constant. He is the only thing that NEVER changes! We moved 1,000 miles across the USA, but my God was with us every step of the way. He has provided for our every need. We have many "wants" that are unfulfilled, but every NEED that we have in our lives, God has met in a big way! I will never doubt, never waver, and never turn, because I know what it's like to live with God, and without Him. I don't ever want to be without Him ever again! He makes life worth it. He makes working, and living, and breathing and loving all worth it. He is the one who gives me a hope and a future.

I am so very grateful that I had parents who showed me first hand who God is. They weren't perfect, and our house wasn't happy and bubbly and cheerful 24/7,and we yelled at each other sometimes, but there was an abiding. A deep, unwavering abiding faith that God had us in the palm of His hand, and He wasn't gonna drop us. I didn't grow up knowing a lot of theology, or thinking a lot of philosophical thoughts (and quite honestly, that's still not me!), but I grew up knowing that God was God, and He knew me, my every thought and need, and He wasn't gonna ever leave me. That is what I carried with me my whole life, and I hope I am instilling that into my children. I'm not always happy, I'm very far from perfect, and I may not always have a good day.....but God knows. And He cares. And He loves me, and He's right there every step of the way!

So, good day or bad day, it doesn't matter....God's got me, and that's all that matters!

 For you created my inmost being; 
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you    when I was made in the secret place,    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;    all the days ordained for me were written in your book    before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!    How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them,    they would outnumber the grains of sand—    when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139